mermaid hair

williamsburg bridge

you know how music takes you back to certain moments in your past? i used to get this certain taste in my mouth when i used to run back in middle school and high school. i don't know if it's just me, but maybe it's the way i breathe in and out that creates this taste..or it's because i get a certain amount of adrenaline pumped in me and o.d. on seratonin while i'm at it. anyway.. i don' get this taste everytime i exercise..only sometimes. usually when i'm on a casual run i think of the most random things, and i also think of some idiotic things, and i also think of genius ideas. i feel like a machine that has coals burning 3 times as faster when i'm running and because of that i am pumping out all these thoughts ; useless or not. sometimes i get bored but then sometimes i feel that taste in my mouth again. so the other day i was on my bicycle yesterday and i kept tasting it in my mouth while slightly wheezing.. it so reminded me of when i would run to death back then. i suddenly remembered the anxiety before races. if it was 2 laps around it made me more nervous than the 4 lap mile for some reason. i think it's because i am allowed to slow down on my 2.5 lap and then speed up later so i don't have to sprint the whole way. well not the entire way anyways. the 4 laps were actually such a tease you know, first lap start strong, then slow down second lap and start picking up 3rd and kill yourself in the 4th lap and esecially in the last 100 m. one time i c losed my eyes in the last 100 m and i almost got disqualified because i ran off the track and into the field. it ended up okay and passed up 2-3 runners. i was never good at short distance. running races was such a mental trip. mentally exhausting but within the short 5-6 minutes you'll run it in, you'd be surprised at how much goes through your mind. even though it's an individual sport, it's so strategic in a way as a group race. it's like, tricking people by pacing them. tricking is not a good word..but what the hell, i always 'used' them until the very last moment. you notice so many things at once, like every step you take, running the curves a bit faster and shaving off a second or two every time, like not losing balance, not making unnecessary movements, breathing ,..and breathing and breathing. this one time i had run a cross country race, about 3 miles. i remember that day i rarely ate anything except water and few energy things. the course looked just like a desert and it was blazing hot. so many people were in that race, and i always get nervous when it's so crowded at the starting line. it's a bit claustrophobic and i feel like a cow in a herd. the race started off so bad , i was already behind the last half of the group seconds after the gun shot and to top it off i was probably elbowed 4 times. right. i could've basically tripped and been stomped over. i hear that happens sometimes. i just had to completely drown myself in my own world in my own pace ' i t s o k a y ' because i hated being so distracted ..though i couldn't help but be annoyed that i was so behind.in the first 20 seconds . i completely kicked my ass and continually told myself like one more hill . one more curve. one more person. one more person....the rest of the race was mostly a blur. we had to do these loops , like twice. i think the flatter races are actually more strenuous. so after this blur i ended up being in the top 20 or something out of 24109575 i don't even know. and the only thing i remember after that was my mum and sister at the end calling my name but i didn't even hear them. like in movies when it suddenly goes mute. .i actually almost didn't see them. i saw nothing and kept moving and i threw up all my water. but it was so satisfying i think i cried. something so simple like running can make me feel like that. i guess words don't really do justice.